My son hit a milestone this weekend and it was a biggie. He took his first four steps without holding onto anything for balance. These blessed steps came between our front door and the couch and I was the one in the right place at the right time to witness them. I squealed, clapped and celebrated to the point where I scared him and made him cry but all in all it was a perfect moment. While I have missed seeing a few milestones, thus far I have been lucky with the big ones and for that I am very grateful.
There have been milestones that I have missed however. I missed his first time in a jumper, missed the first time he fed himself a bottle, the day he learned to open drawers and cabinets and the list goes on.
As a mom who works outside of the home, I had assumed I would miss many of his firsts. I discussed this fear with fellow working moms and a few times was given the advice to tell my babysitter the rule. I learned that in a lot of families, if mom doesn't witness a milestone, then it didn't happen. I'll admit, I was intrigued by this concept and even considered utilizing this rule with my own mother, who would be watching Archer when I returned to work after my short, 5 week maternity leave.
I grieved missing his milestones before they even happened. I couldn't imagine not seeing him feed himself for the first time, or hearing his first word with my own ears. I contemplated asking my mother to protect me from the disappointment of missing these firsts by pretending they didn't happen.
But as I watched Archer grow and learn I decided that I was going to break this rule that had been shared with me by my concerned friends because at the end of the day, his milestones are his and the truth is, they aren't and shouldn't be about me.
I guess my initial issue with this rule came from how obsessive I am about his baby book. He is my first and likely only child. His baby book is meticulous. It is accurate to the minute. That shit is on point. It would make me crazy if I had a milestone recorded as a few days later than it actually happened. If he masters a new skill on the 8th and doesn't get credit for it until the 9th, what's the problem? Well, for me, it's a problem. It's a question of accuracy and that will not stand. Not in my boy's baby book. Not to mention, I feel like it takes something away from his achievement. It may be small but it's a huge difference in what it means for him. It's unfair to ask him to hold back in his life simply because I'm not ready.
I'm not a parent who thinks that every kid should get a trophy. I think healthy competition is good and that in every game there should be a gracious winner and a dignified loser. But each of Archer's accomplishments, I want to be his own. I want them to be a celebration of him and the reality is, that celebration should occur with or without me looking on.
The clinician in me is always looking for the motivation behind the action. In this case, I believe the motivation behind this rule is simply guilt. I think that in a lot of ways this method is a means of working through and processing the guilt that we working moms feel everyday for not being able to be physically present as much as we would like. It's a way for us to tell ourselves that we were there, even if in reality we weren't. It's a way of rewriting the parts of our future and history that we already know we aren't going to like. But I think that we need to remember that this, like almost every other part of motherhood besides Mother's Day, is not about us or working through our own personal baggage. That is not the role of a mother.
I worry that this type of practice is a slippery slope to being the kind of parent who threatens to leave a graduation party if their ex shows up. The one who wears white to her kid's wedding. Guess what princess, it's not your day. Suck it up and pull it together because today is not about you. The biggest role of a mother is putting your child first. This is not always possible but should always be the default setting of a parent. I'm not talking about spoiling a child, but allowing them to be the star of their own childhood, which every child deserves to be. The world will knock them down soon enough. That's not your job. Your job is to pick them up when they fall, and be their loudest cheerleader in the crowd.
My intention is not to sound harsh or to offend anyone who does follow this rule. Believe me, I understand the pull here. It sucks to miss things. Especially big things. But I think that through this practice, we miss the bigger picture and in turn set an unhealthy standard in the ongoing mother, child relationship. The truth is, as my son lives his life, none of his life milestones should be about me. His birthdays won't be about me. His achievements in school or sports won't be about me. His prom won't be about me. His graduation won't be about me. His wedding won't be about me. None of these things will be about me and for good reason. I have lived my own life milestones already. I have had my moments in the spotlight. These are his achievements. And while I fully intend to be present and encouraging to him through each and every one of these life events, they are his, not mine. I look forward to him telling me about his day in school when he learned a new skill or got an A on a test. I am thrilled to be a silent (or clapping and squealing) witness to them all, but they are his. And in the circumstance where I miss one and am simply given the play by play after, I refuse to take an ounce of that joy away from him by making him feel like I should have been made a bigger part of it. It is his time to shine.
As hard as it is to see Archer growing and learning often without me, it's also really cool to know that he is growing and learning. He is this whole new person on this planet, discovering and interacting with it for the very first time ever. It is his journey and who am I to attempt to manipulate that journey to fit into my schedule? I'm the frame to his picture, the cheerleader to his game... His one and only mother. And that alone is the biggest honor of my life.
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