I am a researcher. I look up everything. Anything that I wonder about, I look up. Often, this harmless curiosity inexplicably grows into a complete and total obsession. Usually the topics are completely random and have no impact on my life. I just want to know. When I found out that this year the cicadas were coming, I obsessively looked up everything that I could about them. So much so, that if this social work thing ever falls through my plan B could be some sort of curator for a cicada exhibit in a museum. It's a behavior pattern that I have had since childhood and it has only gotten worse with age and the internet.
At no point in my life was this pattern more apparent than when I was
trying to conceive my son. I fixated on everything. I looked up
everything and then I looked up more. I wanted to know every
possible option that could give me an advantage over that bitch
mother nature.
Around the 6 month mark of trying to achieve pregnancy, I stumbled
into the world of ovulation predictor kits. Satan's pee sticks. The
most ambiguous, frustrating inventions that you will ever urinate on.
I resisted the urge to dive into this rabbit hole for months. I knew
that if I did give in, with my personality and tendencies toward
utter fixation, it would likely get ugly fast. But after months of
disappointment and no clear direction since I wasn't charting yet, I
finally gave in and purchased my first ovulation predictor kit.
One of the most interesting yet overwhelming parts of infertility is
how much you learn about your body and the vast array of tools on the
market designed to help women navigate their own reproductive
systems. There are so many products out there to help you conceive
that you wonder why you had to try so hard and for so long not to get
pregnant. You start feeling like a fool for all of the money that
you threw at birth control pills for all of those years. If I had
some of that birth control money back I could buy some more sperm
friendly lubricant and sticks to pee on...
Quickly, I learned that my long standing fear of ovulation predictor
kits was absolutely on point. These things are a riddle, wrapped in
a puzzle, with a big middle finger drawn on them. They will make you
crazy. The purpose of an ovulation predictor kit is exactly what it
says, to predict when and if you will ovulate in a given month. This
is far from an exact science, however. It is based off of the
hormone levels in your urine. The hormones that are responsible for
ovulation spike right before this event occurs. These kits are
designed to indicate the level of these hormones in your urine to
determine how close you are to this event. So, a few times per
month, you find yourself peeing on a stick that looks exactly like a
home pregnancy test, only to wait to see if a line appears indicating
a hormone spike. If you see a light line, you have a small spike of
hormones while a dark line reports a large spike in hormones. The
problem is, hormones are fickle and ovulation tests even more so.
Sometimes a light line indicates that hormones are rising OR falling,
so you can test for 5 days in a row and only ever get a light line
that eventually disappears while you are just standing around waiting
to do the deed for the exact right moment which has now passed into
worthless history for another month.
Naturally, after using these madness inducing sticks for a few
months, you begin to fixate and obsess over them. Seems reasonable,
right? This is especially true if like me, you go months at a time
without ever seeing a dark line, but have days and days in a row of a
light line that is getting ever so slightly darker until boom, it's
gone along with your sanity. So you run to your old friend, the
internet. This is where the real fun starts. Here is where you
learn the best part of all. Unlike with a home pregnancy test, which
works best with your first morning urine, an ovulation test is
actually the most accurate mid day. Ta da! Welcome to the world of
peeing on a stick at work! Can life get any better?!
For me, this involved running to the bathroom in between every
therapy session to test between the hours of late morning and early
afternoon, when your hormone levels are the most likely to spike. To
say that this was awkward and miserable would be a gross
understatement. Nothing is better than standing in your workplace
bathroom trying to decipher the vague
results on a tiny window on a piece of plastic that you just peed on
while trying desperately to compare the subtle pink line in your
indicator window with the mockingly bright example picture on the
stupid box. Those smug little control lines, all dark and
arrogant... F them...
I researched everything
that I could about these stupid sticks. When was the best time to
test, what if you only ever got a light line, what was the success
rate for women trying to conceive? I read countless reviews of which
kit was the most accurate. I read blogs written by women who
recommended buying these kits in bulk. They would buy them in packs
of thirty, sixty, even more. I read about women who were testing ten
times per day desperately trying to find a definitive answer as to
whether or not they were ovulating. The best part is, even a dark
line only indicates a hormone spike. That does not necessarily mean
that you actually ovulated. You can get a hormone spike, only to
have it not really take and no egg actually be released. You could ovulate
later that month instead and not even know it because you stopped
testing after the first spike. It was maddening.
I saw chat rooms of
women posting pictures of faint evaporation lines, just praying that
someone would see a hormone spike somewhere in them.
In most topics, the more I read the more progress I feel
that I am making. I correct mistakes and learn other, better methods
for moving forward. This was not the case with ovulation predictor
kits. The more I read the more frustrated and overwhelmed I felt.
Each kit comes with seven to eleven (depending on the
brand) ovulation predictor sticks, wrapped in pink and one home
pregnancy test, wrapped in purple. Positive thinking marketing at
it's best... The only thing more depressing than a pile of ovulation
predictor kits in your closet is the mound of unused pregnancy tests
that you accumulate after months and months of using these kits
without even the tiniest indication of success. For someone whose
period was never even late, having a stack of home pregnancy tests
fall on you every time you open your closet door is less than
encouraging. It's like having a really mean spirited surprise party
thrown for you every time you need a new roll of toilet paper.
Surprise!!! You still don't need these!!! Have a tampon instead.
Even with testing multiple times per day for weeks at a
time, I very rarely ever saw an actual real positive on an ovulation
predictor stick. It got to the point where I had myself convinced
that I must not be ovulating. However, once I began charting I saw
that this was not at all the case. I found these kits to be little
more than a source of frustration for me. I used them for about
seven months off and on, and I spent a small fortune on these kits
but got little more than extra stress and a lighter wallet as a
result. Maybe these kits work for some people, but you could never
prove that by my experience.
I tried to think of a positive experience that I had
with these kits to end on, but I honestly couldn't think of a single
one. I'm sure they have been helpful to someone, but that person is
not me. Now when I am in the store and I see one of these kits, I'm temped to buy it just for the satisfaction of setting it on fire in the parking lot.
I share this experience not to make an enemy out of the
ovulation predictor kit companies, or to even discourage anyone else
from using them. It's simply to encourage you to keep looking for
the method that works for you. Maybe it will be these little sticks
of despair that will lead you to your big fat positive, but if it's
not, then that's okay. You will find what works for you. Just keep
looking, keep researching and keep trying. And while you're at it,
kick a predictor kit down the street for me!
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