When your hormones start to fly out of your mouth...

     There are a million small details of pregnancy that you don't learn about until you are there. The agonizing heartburn, the discovery that you will never again remember what you are doing five minutes into doing it, the fact that your boobs are going to be at their most fabulous at a time when it hurts to even look at them and oh, the bodily fluids... A lot of interesting things.

     But for me, the most surprising change that I experienced while pregnant was the physical inability to keep bitchy comments from falling out of my mouth. The condition was practically diagnosable. We lovingly refer to this change in personality as “Pregnancy Tourette's” in my family. This was not meant to be offensive to anyone who has actual Tourette's, but merely as a descriptive term referring to the complete loss of control over one's verbalization while with child.

     This was a symptom of pregnancy that took me down hard. To be honest, I have always been a person who speaks my mind. Ninety-nine percent of the time, you will have no doubt about how I feel about you. I'm a terrible liar and I can't act worth shit so whether I want you to know or not, it's usually pretty easy to tell what I am thinking, if not from my words, at the very least from my facial expressions. I am fortunate that I genuinely like so many people in my life or I imagine I would be a very lonely girl.

     But during pregnancy, it was as though my baby absorbed every small bit of filter that I had left. Like the ability to keep my big trap shut was somehow bonded to the calcium that he was sucking up. I lost all control of any tact or self control that I once, even so sparingly had.

     I'm not sure how to describe the sensation of Pregnancy Tourette's to someone who has never experienced it. In my best effort... Most of the time it is like a drive by shooting. You don't even realize what happened until it is over and you are witnessing the chaos that is left in your wake. You see the shocked faces of those around you with their mouths gaping open and you think, “Oops.”

     Other times it is like the sensation when you need to vomit except without the nausea. You can feel something in there and you know that there is nothing you can do to stop it. You just think, “Yep, this is happening,” and just let the crazy, bitchy fall out of your mouth and onto the floor at your feet.

     The biggest difference is that after vomiting you feel compelled to clean it up. After pregnancy Tourette's you almost feel smug. Like, “Yeah. That felt good.” I rarely ever felt badly for anything I said while pregnant. That part I blame on the hormones. You get a bit arrogant when you are actively creating a human life. And rightly so, I say. That shits hard work.

     As the nine months passed, I watched as my responses to stupid questions and statements jumped the line between passive aggressive to aggressive aggressive and back again and I loved every minute of it. I noticed that my hormonal, verbal bitch slaps were mostly related to a general frustration and impatience with the world around me. It felt like everything that I needed to get done while pregnant took three times as long as it should have and this absolutely infuriated me. Little did I know what a time consuming shit show things become with an infant in tow. Now I wish things only took me three times as long. But I digress... If I needed to get something done and you were the one in my way or what I perceived to be in my way, look out. I was coming for you.

     I remember the day when I was about eight months pregnant, trying to get home from work. I have a very short commute but in true pregnancy fashion, I began to have to pee on the way there and when carrying a human on your bladder, the window between having to pee and peeing wherever you are is surprisingly small. But I needed gas so I swung in quickly to the gas station near my home to fill up.

     I pulled in behind a nice, restored old car and patiently waited while the male owner fumbled with his gas receipt, putting it into his wallet, then slowly sauntered around his car to leisurely get in. I hear, “Hey!” and I glanced over to see a younger man approaching the driver. “That's a beautiful car.” To my horror the driver gets back out of the car and begins to discuss what I assume are details of his stupid car.

     Before I know it I hear a shrill “Any day ladies, I'm waiting to get some gas here!” Only after both men turned to look at me did I realize that , yep, that was me. I yelled at those guys. But again, I have to admit, I felt good about the exchange as I pumped my gas, finally.

     Sometimes people are caught up in the wrong place, wrong time scenario. They are merely an innocent bystander victim of the pregnancy Tourette's. But most of the time in my experience they have it coming.

     I remember the day I struggled to get through the double doors of my office while a man only slight older than myself watched. He was standing near the elevator and observed with interest as I tried to get my enormous self, a work bag and a purse through the doors and into our lobby with great difficulty. With the small ding of the elevator door he was gone. Or so he thought. Our old elevators are slow and as I pushed the up button the doors opened, revealing this amazing specimen of modern gentlemanlyness like he was an exhibit at the pathetic human zoo. “Oh,” he said, clearly startled that I was now standing before him. “I didn't see you there.” With as obvious a roll of my eyes as my occipital orbit would physically allow I replied, “That's okay. I know I'm easy to miss. I'm only 400 pounds and wearing red, asshole.” With that I hit the seven and we rode in silence for the rest of our trip.

     I suspect that some of this phenomenon is just your body preparing you for being a protective mama bear. You need to be pretty assertive to be a mom. But I suspect that a bigger reason is the exhaustion. It got to the point where I began avoiding the people that I already didn't like because I knew it just wouldn't go well if I interacted with them. There was no prayer that it would be anything but ugly.

     In fairness however, people say really stupid things to pregnant women too. Whoever decided that it was okay to tell a woman how big she is getting just because she is carrying a child should be shot. I also loved the people who would remind me of my due date while I was two weeks late and as big as a semi truck. “No baby yet?” They would say. I know now that they meant nothing by it and were just making conversation but to a pregnant person carrying around what is the equivalent of a two week old person inside of their body, it is less than a cute observation. “Do I appear to be carrying an infant in my arms?” I would ask. “Nope then, I guess he's still in there.” I rolled my eyes so hard and so often during my pregnancy that I'm surprised I don't need glasses now.

     When you are pregnant, you are already nervous about this huge life changing event that is coming your way. It is always in the back of your mind that you are like a ticking time bomb, counting down the moments until a small, screaming tyrant takes over your life. You can't wait obviously and the excitement is palpable but it is still nerve wracking. The last thing you need are stupid comments or obstacles in the way of your daily life.

     When I see a pregnant woman I get the hell out of her way. The further along she is, the more space I give her. If she tells me to do something, it is all “yes ma'am,” “No ma'am” from me. She is building a person with nothing more than her own body and I am happy to stay out of her way. In the case that I do screw up and what ensues is a verbal thrashing from a glowing mother to be, I take it like a woman. She has earned the right to be testy and say what's on her mind. I applaud her for it and welcome her to the club. We have all been there. She is in very good company.

     And if you find yourself to be a pregnant person suffering from pregnancy Tourette's I encourage you to live it up. There are only a few times in one's life where you can get away with that kind of business so roll those eyes as far and as often as they will go and let the curse words fly. You've earned it.